My Viewpoint

There are several phrases I have heard or read lately that really torque me off. They always seem to come from one of two age groups, those much older than I, 70's, 80ish and those younger, 30's and 40's.

The phrases are "They did it out of love for you", "Grow up' and "Get over it". All three are uttered by these age groups more than other age groups when they are dealing with multiples and abuse survivors. It seems to reflect their attitude which is as cold and uncaring as one can imagine.

It reflects their siding with abusers, their lack of respect for those abused, their lack of caring, their ignorance, their me first attitude. Your abuse, your multiplicity is an inconvenience to them, they cannot be expected to make allowances for what you are trying to recover from, not in their world. You should "just get over it." That way they don't have to hear about it, think about it, or in some cases, stop it themselves.

In the movie "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner" Sidney Poitier's character let's his father have it verbally, by telling him not until his generation is dead and buried will the yoke be removed, likewise not until the generations who allowed and fostered abusive behaviors is dead and buried will many of these attitudes be buried also. My grandmother is in her 90's and her attitude has always been "get over it" for her own daughter who was sexually abused to Keepers whose abuse created their multiplicity.

At the other end of the age spectrum is two of our children whose attitude is "Grow up" which is basically the same, just as tender and caring I might add. Funny thing is today when Keepers were at the dentist it was discussed by the dentist, the hygenest and keepers (very slightly though because of all the apparatus in their mouth at the time) how their children, in 30's and 40's were so uncaring, so "me", and completely expecting everything they want with no concern for the parents, hmmmmmm.

Then there was keepers mother who said "it was done out of love" which not only confused and set keepers up for years of abuse it also distorted what love was, is and should be and could be. Accepting what real love is was all but impossible for so many years because to them was this perverse hurtful abuse not the gentle, lovingness that was being offered but could not be accepted for what it was because according to their mother "it wasn't out of love".

To all of our friends, visitors, posters, fellow blogger i can only say that when you have heard these phrases in your own lives, know that those comments from people who should be not allowed any closer than arms length, they are not on your side, they do not understand, they do not care. They do not even attempt to see what you are attempting to recover from.

In order to make Keepers as safe as possible we have had to evaluate others in our lives by this template, you are either a part of the problem or a part of the solution. If you and your attitudes and "words of encouragement" are like those mentioned above you are a part of the problem and must be avoided. If your attitude is truly supportive and understanding and you are trying to help as best you honestly can, you may well be a part of the solution and we will keep you close to us.

It hurts sometimes when people you would expect to be "good for you" are in reality "bad for you" and as such must be avoided. However, in keeping one self safe these are choices that must be made to continue down the road to recovery, the road to thriving, the road to living and not just existing.

To all of our friends out there, peace and blessings

John Michael