Our Old Friend

Our old friend Harold, to whom Keepers have dedicated their site, Keeperskorner is looking down on us from on high, smiling his smirky smile he so often displayed when he was right!

He was the first person to really give keepers credit for their art, their poetry, their desire to reach people. If he was here now I know he would be so proud of them. He would be involved in the charitable side of it, the bookkeeping side, the planning stages for whatever visons we could come up with.

When I lost my job, as did he, he helped us survive financially, though it burdened him also. He financed keepers first attempts at marketing their creations, he encouraged and critiqued, but always fairly.

If you were willing to work hard at your goals, he was there to help you succeed. He took great joy in seeing it happen and yet gave you all of the credit. Maybe that's why he meant so much to keepers. He was the first person to see what was inside them, to believe in them, to give them credit. He was as much their friend and mentor as mine, perhaps more theirs than mine. They had an affinity for each others passions and goals, they saw the real person inside each other that they kept hidden from most of the rest of the world.

I know you are pleased Harold, they have done so good, so much, and they aren't even near being done yet! Keep watching old friend, neither keepers nor I will let you down. Keepers and I will never forget you, you are still and always will be a part of who we are now.

Thank you and God bless

John Michael

Some Movies We Enjoy

This is a light blog, just a movie list of those movies Keepers and I enjoy. It is not a complete list or in any order, just a fun list and maybe you will see a movie that interests you. So here goes:

The Notebook: I guess this is a chick flick but it is really a couple flick also. It's happy, funny, sad, take your pick, depends on where you are in the movie. James Garner is one of our favorite actors, he is the narrator.

Batman Begins: Unlike the previous movies this one is a tad more serious, no outlandish sets, somewhat realistic. Keepers love Michael Caine and his Alfred the Butler, teens love the Bruce Wayne/Batman character, also the Lt. Gordon with Gary Oldman is much better than the Comm. Gordon in the other movies. Way better all the way around. Morgan Freeman is also a favorite of ours and he is a small role but an important one.

50 first Dates: We love this movie and we don't like Adam Sandler, but in this movie we do. It is light, funny, and sweet also.

Lassie: the newest version, Keepers got it for Christmas and it is a really good Lassie movie with Peter O'toole. If you like Lassie you will like this one also.

Space Cowboys: Clint Eastwood, James Garner, Tommy Lee Jones, and Donald Sutherland, 4 of our favorite actors, not believable but fun anyway, well maybe not so unbelieveable, John Glenn went up when in his 70's so I will recant that comment. 4 old astronauts go up to fix an old space station and find a BIG problem.

Muppet Movie: What can I say? Corny lines, loveable muppets, guest stars by the handful and really fun flick for littles and adults.

Monsters, Inc: One of little keepers favorites, they just love little Boo! I think they identify with her. John Goodman, Billy Crystal, James Coburn and John Buscema are the main voices and all are excellent.

Nemo: Another little keepers favorite, a dad clownfish looking for his lost son and Ellen DeGeneres lends a helping fin. She is a riot.

Murder By Numbers: Sandra Bullock as a detective who investigates homicides and almost was a homicide victim herself. Her reactions and behaviors are right on for many survivors.

Shawshank Redemption: Morgan Freeman is wonderful, the whole movie is great but he is superb, we love movies he is in.

The Green Mile: Tom Hanks as the Green Mile Supervisor over the death row inmates back in the 40's, Excellent movie in our opinion. We love Tom Hanks.

Road to Perdition: I list this because it is Tom Hanks and Paul Newman. Keepers could not watch it because Hanks is a hitman for Newman in the 30's, yep they are both mobsters and it gets a wee bit complicated as the movie moves on.

Funny Girl: Keepers and I have sentimental attachments to this one, we saw it when dating, we both love the music.

Zorro: Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones ignite this one with their chemistry and then you get Anthony Hopkins as a bonus, never heard a single cuss word in this movie, it can be done and still have an excellent movie.

Well there is a list of some of the movies we like, feel free to leave your comments, additions, etc.

best wishes to all of you

john michael

Dr. Martin Luther King

He had a dream.

A dream not yet realized and depending on who you ask it may or may not ever be realized. Is it closer than it was? Certainly, but there is still a long way to go.

So much of what Dr. Martin Luther King said is appropriate to many people, not just the African Americans, because his words are universal in that anyone who is ignored, shunned, and in some ways a second class person, not a citizen but a person, has need of his words, to see that they too are due a better way of life, with recognition of who they are and equality in all aspects of life.

Are the children who over the years have been abused in one way or another treated the same as those who were not? Have the perpetrators asked for forgiveness? Resolved to stop and help others stop or better yet, not do it in the first place? Our friend Maria writes about the miseries inflicted on the children in the home called Nazareth House, has the church yet acknowledged the abuse those children endured? No.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. "

This is one of Keepers favorite quotes and is by Dr. King. It is part of their philosophy that they incorporated into their lives, to move forward, to begin the healing. It is I am sure how most survivors move onward, and aren't races of people and social stratas of people and those in classifications such as abused or autistic or handicapped or nameless and countless others all simply trying to move up to a better way of life, a better standard of life? Whether it is to be recognized as worthy of treatment or worthy of a heartfelt and sincere apology or to be able to sleep a good nights sleep without yesterdays fears haunting you, or the hurts and pains both of physical and emotional abuse that won't go away; isn't that a worthy progression and goal for all and any person no matter what race, no matter what religion, no matter what sexual preference to be asked for, no, not to be asked for, just simply to have?

Dr. King, you were an inspiration to so many and as our world continues to evolve your words are special and enduring to more people now perhaps than ever before. They are words that apply to many people, in many situations, in many dire needs, people who are worthy and justified in asking for and receiving common courtesies and acknowledgments and treatments from medical professionals, from church officials, from governments and from their fellow man and woman.

You were and are an inspiration to many people. Many of them have followed in your word path, used it to better themselves, to grow and evolve and many of them will help others thanks to you and your words. What a wonderful legacy to leave in this world, helping others grow and become more than they ever thought they would or could be.

To Dr. King and all those who have been inspired by his words, "Thank You for what you have given to so many, be it one or one billion, someone was touched by your words and are better for it.

Peace and blessings to all

john and keepers

5 Years Ago

Five years ago Keepers and their then current therapist decided they had to report their previous therapist to the State Board. In just a few months of therapy with this new therapist it was becoming obvious that she did not agree with the treatment Keepers had received or it's far reaching effects into how Keepers were functioning, or not functioning.

After 17 years with the previous therapist there was an awful lot of barriers to be broken down, because after 17 years he had firmly entrenched his "truths" and "methods" into keepers everyday life style. We began in earnest to read how others had been treated, what worked and didn't work for them. Granted, the therapist who helped Keepers see how horribly wrong the former therapist's treatment was had a short tenure as Keeper's new therapist, yet what she did and offered was huge. She was not familiar with MPD but she did one thing the former had not...she asked other therapists what they knew of it, how it s/b treated, etc. She and Keepers came to the realization that he was in fact harming patients, not only MPD patients but possibly others with his unacceptable treatments and behaviors. What was odd was this therapist had seen the former therapist as part of a couple for sessions on couple's therapy and decided he was sociopathic in his behaviors.

Yesterday the culmination of these five years of waiting came to fruition as the hearing, thrice receiving continuances in the last several months, finally came to be. As we arrived at the hearing room, in our state capital, Keepers were obviously nervous. We had been told he was not going to appear, that his two lawyers he had engaged to defend him had advised him he had no chance to win this decision, but still, what if he was just pulling another of his maneuvers, another trick, what then? As we sat outside the hearing room, the state's expert witness, a psychologist with 30 years of experience in treating multiples and dissociatives came up to keepers and said "this must be horribly difficult for you" and right then I think both Keepers and I knew they would see it through even if the former therapist showed up.

Here was the state's expert, who continued talking to Keepers for 10 or 15 more minutes, saying he understood, he had already read the written documents, he had already decided how he would testify, and he was recognizing how difficult this would be for Keepers, to go before authority figures, a judge, lawyers, investigators in a legal setting and testify about the their former therapist, his treatment, his behaviors, and the effects it had on keepers and those around them. Here was someone to validate what they had come to discover, that they were hurt by his treatments, that they were the victims.

When Keepers were called to the witness stand they bravely went up there, they answered the questions put forth by the attorney, for over an hour they testified. They were strong, they shed some tears, they persevered. They made it through the testimony. They walked back to me and we sat down and I put my arms around their shoulder and held them, telling them how wonderful they did. The tears welled up in their eyes, this had been a tremendously difficult 5 years, that finally came to an end. No decision about discipline of the therapist has been made yet, that will come several months down the road. But, keepers did all that they had set out to do, with grace and dignity, they has testified, they has stood up for themselves, for others he might otherwise have treated in the future and possibly others he has treated in the past. Littles saw the adults and teens stand up for all keepers from baby on up, to tell publicly in a legal setting, what they had endured. Over fifty years ago and onward, no one listened to keepers, so the abuse continued into the bodies adult life, for therapists can be as abusive as childhood perpetrators.

As keepers regained their composure the expert witness took the stand and we listened as he testified that the therapy was incompetent, it was neglectful, it was unprofessional, that he displayed seductive and sensual overtones in his writing to keepers; I could go on but I think you get the gist of where I am going. He was a bad therapist, not only in treatment but in ethics and it has been corroborated.

When the hearing was over, the lawyers, the executive in charge of the state board, the expert witness all came to keepers and thanked them for their testimony, for bringing this to their attention, for being brave over the last five years, for coming to the hearing and then telling them how well they did in their testimony.

They were proud of keepers, for enduring, for riding the storm out.

I cannot tell you how proud I am of them.

I know they hold their heads a little higher today and they should, they deserve to, they earned the right to.


john michael

Why?

Isn’t it amazing how people point the finger at their victims or those they have abused? Don't tell anyone what happened, it's our secret. Don't tell anyone or something bad will happen to you. Don't tell anyone or they will make your daddy go away. Don't tell anyone or they will take your mommy go away. Don't tell anyone or God will punish you. Don't tell anyone or I will not be your friend anymore. Don't tell anyone, no one will believe you anyway. Don't tell anyone, or I will have to punish you. Don't tell anyone, or I will cry that you would hurt my feelings. Don't tell anyone, or I won't like you anymore. Don't tell anyone or you will die.

Don't tell anyone, no matter what.

Nevermind that what I did to you destroyed your sense of self worth. That it made you feel dirty and disgusting, not loved and cared for. That it made you feel violated instead of protected. That it made you split into more than one being that staggered around in confusion and a haze for half a lifetime. Or that it ruined almost all of your future relationships because it's effect were so far reaching.

Don't tell anyone, I didn't do anything wrong anyway. You are the bad one, not me.

Then why do you care if I tell anyone? Why do you want me to not speak of it? Why do you ask for continuance after continuance? Why do you get so riled up if you did nothing wrong? Why do other family members wait until they are on their death beds to admit they knew what you were doing? Why do they wait nine years to tell the abused, oh yeah my dad knew what uncle so and so did to you?

Why?

john michael

My Viewpoint

There are several phrases I have heard or read lately that really torque me off. They always seem to come from one of two age groups, those much older than I, 70's, 80ish and those younger, 30's and 40's.

The phrases are "They did it out of love for you", "Grow up' and "Get over it". All three are uttered by these age groups more than other age groups when they are dealing with multiples and abuse survivors. It seems to reflect their attitude which is as cold and uncaring as one can imagine.

It reflects their siding with abusers, their lack of respect for those abused, their lack of caring, their ignorance, their me first attitude. Your abuse, your multiplicity is an inconvenience to them, they cannot be expected to make allowances for what you are trying to recover from, not in their world. You should "just get over it." That way they don't have to hear about it, think about it, or in some cases, stop it themselves.

In the movie "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner" Sidney Poitier's character let's his father have it verbally, by telling him not until his generation is dead and buried will the yoke be removed, likewise not until the generations who allowed and fostered abusive behaviors is dead and buried will many of these attitudes be buried also. My grandmother is in her 90's and her attitude has always been "get over it" for her own daughter who was sexually abused to Keepers whose abuse created their multiplicity.

At the other end of the age spectrum is two of our children whose attitude is "Grow up" which is basically the same, just as tender and caring I might add. Funny thing is today when Keepers were at the dentist it was discussed by the dentist, the hygenest and keepers (very slightly though because of all the apparatus in their mouth at the time) how their children, in 30's and 40's were so uncaring, so "me", and completely expecting everything they want with no concern for the parents, hmmmmmm.

Then there was keepers mother who said "it was done out of love" which not only confused and set keepers up for years of abuse it also distorted what love was, is and should be and could be. Accepting what real love is was all but impossible for so many years because to them was this perverse hurtful abuse not the gentle, lovingness that was being offered but could not be accepted for what it was because according to their mother "it wasn't out of love".

To all of our friends, visitors, posters, fellow blogger i can only say that when you have heard these phrases in your own lives, know that those comments from people who should be not allowed any closer than arms length, they are not on your side, they do not understand, they do not care. They do not even attempt to see what you are attempting to recover from.

In order to make Keepers as safe as possible we have had to evaluate others in our lives by this template, you are either a part of the problem or a part of the solution. If you and your attitudes and "words of encouragement" are like those mentioned above you are a part of the problem and must be avoided. If your attitude is truly supportive and understanding and you are trying to help as best you honestly can, you may well be a part of the solution and we will keep you close to us.

It hurts sometimes when people you would expect to be "good for you" are in reality "bad for you" and as such must be avoided. However, in keeping one self safe these are choices that must be made to continue down the road to recovery, the road to thriving, the road to living and not just existing.

To all of our friends out there, peace and blessings

John Michael

Miscellaneous Ramblings, In No particular Order

Part I

How come family, relatives can be such assholes and not even try to understand while complete strangers on the internet can understand, be supportive, be friendly and make you feel as if someone really does understand?

Why are some bosses complete jerks one day and your best friend the next day?

Why do people idolize sports stars, movie stars, music stars even though their abusive natures are in the media? How can people still look at them in the same light?

Why can i go to Olive Garden and order chicken parmigian and get a thin, skinny piece of white meat with no taste for $8.95 and go to Hometown Buffet and get fried or baked whole breasts, as many as I want to eat, juicy and flavorful for the same price?

Why did the media say our gas prices would be going down and today they went up 21 cents a gallon?

How can a grocery store sell sirloin steak for $8.99 a lb this week and $3.99 a lb next week?

Why doesn't bread stay fresh for more than a day or two anymore? The store brands seem to stay fresher longer and they are made by the big name bakery just packaged differently.

Why are krispy kreme donuts $5.99 a dozen but when I buy a half dozen it's $3.60 or $7.20 a dozen?

Why does the TV weather person get so excited when bad weather is in the forecast?

When gas prices began escalating to that $3 a gallon we had why didn't cans of oil go up?

Til next time buckaroos

john michael